ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: 50 HALFTIME SHOW SUGGESTIONS
You’re going down Fox. At least that’s what we’re hoping. See #34.
NEW YORK, NY - Seeing as how the Super Bowl halftime show sparked such a spirited debate here on Monday, we’re visiting NFL HQ in New York to pitch some alternative concepts for next year’s big game. Don’t get us wrong, we’re all for rock n’ rollers working well into their golden years, but it seems like a little variety might be just the thing to get folks excited about football’s most-watched intermission all over again. Anyway, here’s what we came up with.
1) Iron Butterfly performing “In a Gadda Da Vida.” One song. Entire halftime taken care of.
2) Open tryouts for the starting catcher and first baseman positions for the New York Mets. America votes.
3) Bugs Bunny on Ice. This was always a crowd-pleaser at the old Felt Forum.
4) The Joe Franklin Show: Guests include, J. Geils Band, the Fabulous Hildegarde and Morris Katz. Joe’s office door is always open. Why not pop in for a visit.
5) Sofia Vergara reads the love sonnets of William Shakespeare… in a bikini.
6) Just show the episode of The Flintstones where Fred and Barney have to spend the night in Fred’s Uncle Giggles’ spooky house. (A tiny picture of Uncle Giggles is better than none at all)
7) A jgclancy demonstration on making your own kahlua.
#8 Up with People. C’mon, tell me you don’t miss the halftime schmaltz just a little bit.
9) Captain Robbie Knievel jumps over the NFL’s biggest a**hole… Jerry Jones.
10) A global intervention for Lindsay Lohan.
11) Nathan’s NFL Hot Dog Eating Contest. Featuring players and coaches, this should just replace the Pro Bowl.
12) Monkeys on rollerskates. (Mr. Teeny)
13) Public execution of the entire Jersey Shore cast.
14) Punt, Pass, and Kick for midgets.
15) William Shatner sings, Rocket Man, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, and Mr. Tambourine Man.
16) Friar’s Club Roast of Stephen Hawking.
17) Rosie O’Donnell’s Big Gay Halftime Hoedown.
18) Four words: Omar Minaya Dunk Tank.
19) Jim Lange hosts The Dating Game.
20) Jello Wrestling: Angry Ward vs. Christina Hendricks.
There are worse things than being pinned by Ms. Hendricks.
21) The Magic of Doug Henning as performed by David Copperfield.
22) Guinness Book of World’s Records’ Longest Italian Combo Sub attempt.
23) A message for the people of earth from space alien Mariano Rivera:
“Greetings humans. I come in peace… unless Cashman doesn’t pay me. Then all bets are off.”
24) Ozzie Guillen presents “Up Yours America: A Salute to Expletives.”
25) Academy Awards presentations for technical categories.
26) Mass Unification Church Wedding performed by the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.
27) Jose Canseco/Roger Clemens roid-fueled steel cage death match.
28) The comedy stylings of Mr. Yakov Smirnoff.
29) Yankee Joe sings Air Supply’s greatest love songs.
30) Celebrity Jeopardy featuring Manny Ramirez, Sarah Palin, and Gary Coleman.
31) Just show the last 20 minutes of Planet of the Apes.
32) Joan Rivers’ latest plastic surgery procedure… Live!
33) The 9/11 Terror Trial Verdict. (Bad idea maybe, but what ratings!)
34) Hot Oil Wrestling: Angry Ward vs. Megan Fox.
35) John Sterling reads from A Tale of Two Cities.
36) A spirited Q & A between Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods’ floozies moderated by Jerry Springer.
37) Larry King gets his annual colonoscopy while simultaneously interviewing Ernest Borgnine.
39) Triumph The Insult Comic Dog poops all over Jay Leno.
40) The NBA slamdunk competition, featuring a bunch of guys you don’t even know. Why not? Then the NBA could cancel their All-Star Game altogether.
41) Throw a million bucks on the field and turn everyone loose.
42) Throw a bunch of interns on the field and turn Steve Phillips loose.
43) A Lenny & Squiggy Reunion/Variety Special with special guest The Big Ragu. “Hello Laverne!” Lenny and Squiggy are Milwaukee legends. Just ask our own Wisconsin Walt.
44) Field Goal Kicking Contest between a gorilla, a mule, and Nate Kaeding.
45) Fans are invited to go streaking.
46) Short Matt interviews the new NFL Hall of Fame class and asks them nothing but baseball questions.
47) Rip Torn, a bottle of booze, and a microphone.
48) Mud Wrestling: Angry Ward vs. the same girls Dewey Oxberger faced off against in Stripes.
49) 100-yard dash showdown between Rex Ryan and rickety Maytag washing machine.
50) Randy Levine’s A Very Hot Tub Halftime.
The NFL brass politely thanked us for our thoughtful presentation, but it turns out that they already have a hot new band named Journey booked for next year. Oh well, we tried. See you next week.
Tall Matt, tomorrow.
Tags: A Tale of Two Cities, Academy Awards, Air Supply, Bugs Bunny, Christina Hendricks, David Copperfield, Doug Henning, Elin Nordegren, Ernest Borgnine, Gary Coleman, Hildegarde, Iron Butterfly, J. Geils Band, Jay Leno, Jerry Jones, Jersey Shore, Jim Lange, Joan Rivers, Joe Franklin, John Sterling, Jose Canseco, Larry King, Lenny and Squiggy, Lindsay Lohan, Manny Ramirez, Mariano Rivera, Megan Fox, Morris Katz, Nate Kaeding, Nathan's Hot Dogs, NBA slamdunk competition, NY Mets, Omar Minaya, Ozzie Guillen, Planet of the Apes, Randy Levine, Rex Ryan, Rip Torn, Robbie Knievel, Roger Clemens, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Palin, Sofia Vergara, Stephen Hawking, Steve Phillips, Stripes, Sun Myung Moon, Takov Smirnoff, The Dating Game, The Flintstones, Tiger Woods, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Up With People, William Shakespeare, William Shatner
February 10th, 2010 at
Good fun, Mate! Extraordinary, actually… And the ladies! Off to a brisk shower.
February 10th, 2010 at
Friar’s Club Roast for Steven Hawking and Punt, Pass, Kick competition for midgets are two of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
February 10th, 2010 at
I arrive home at 2:58 AM after a victorious night of trivia to find this gem. I’m honoured (Canadien spelling) to be in the top fifty but think I rank 49th with only Yakov Smirnoff being a worse idea.
I think AW can wrestle them all WHILE Sofia reads love sonnets.
Of course, if it turns out William Shatner sings there will be the surprise ending duet with Leonard Nimoy singing ” You Don’t Bring me Flowers”. Nimoy will do the Streisand half, of course.
Talk about blowing the roof off the house!
P.S.–I think they should just re-assemble the entire 1971 group that sang ” I’d like to buy the world a Coke” and do it all over again!
February 10th, 2010 at
Brilliance wrapped in a blizzard. This column is going to bust 100 today with all the excellent halftime ideas and the blizzard home bounding all of us like Jack in ‘The Shining.’
Ward…. a few questions…. The Yackoff Smirnoff Halftime Show… there WON’T be Jonestown Kool-Aid at that one… right?!? (And yes… that is the vodka-holics spelling of it.. what can I say?!?)
And when you said the Rosie O’Donnell Gay Halftime Hoedown.. you meant ‘ho-down’ didn’t you? Whereby O’Donnell is the receiver and the goal is to see which of the ho’s can…oh… forget about it.
I’d pay good money to see that Canseco/Clemens deathmatch… your wrestling with Christina Hendricks.. not so much.
My money is on the Maytag. Rex Ryan doesn’t stand a chance… unless you put an All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet at the finish line.
And anything with midgets should be refereed by Gary Coleman…end of story.
February 10th, 2010 at
What, no “Very Brady Halftime Spectacular”??
February 10th, 2010 at
I started reading this and then printed it to take it with me. I will be passing it out at the office. Best thing I’ve seen here and it’s all good here.
February 10th, 2010 at
How about Sofia Vergara wrestles Joe Franklin while Stephen Hawking reads Shakespeare (but not in a bikini)?
February 10th, 2010 at
Thanks a pant load for that opening picture. Speaking of that, I’ve already had to change them.
February 10th, 2010 at
Ward, as a friend I’d like to suggest that you mud wrestle the daughters and granddaughters of the women Dewey Oxburger wrestled, you don’t really want to wrestle those mud-caked AARP hos.
Also, can we have a spin-off of your Joe Franklin half-time show with Sally Jessie Raphael interviewing Joe and Sarah Silverman in order to let the healing over the whole rape incident begin?
February 10th, 2010 at
Wow we now have the SB halftime shows for the rest of my life. Punt, pass and kick for midgets is ratings gold. Why are you the only one that gets to wrestle the bimbos?
February 10th, 2010 at
i vote for the Jersey Shore execution.someone told me it was great- i watched one episode and felt like my IQ dropped a few point as a result.
February 10th, 2010 at
joan rivers is sooooo scary. and this is scary good. i am sending it to friends
February 10th, 2010 at
Sam..excellent point on the AARP aspect.
Grote….we’ll toss you and Short Matt in the mix for ultimate tag team entertainment.
My question for AW is: Just which method of execution would be used ?
Rex Ryan won’t beat the Maytag but he’s Rex O’Rourke’s “Super lock of the Epoch ” in that Nathan’s hot dog contest!
February 10th, 2010 at
I am hereby declaring an Angry Ward snow day. This means you are free to go outside, place a few beers in a snowbank, and laugh at all the idiots who decided to go out and drive. Later you can repair to the warmth of your homes for some hot food and brown liquors. That is all.
Oh, Sam, yeah I know those ladies from Stripes are a little long in the tooth by now but was still hoping the Matts could locate the video of that scene.
February 10th, 2010 at
Holy bat crap….Let’s Make A Deal with Wayne Brady as host…..am I really awake and watching snow day tv?
February 10th, 2010 at
“13) Public execution of the entire Jersey Shore cast.”
Gotta say im a HUGE fan of this idea…..and the Busty Rangga Wrestling….i vote me as opposition.
February 10th, 2010 at
The Matts are probably sitting in Citifield filming something so here’s the clip link:
http://www.johncandy.com/VideoDetail.aspx?VideoID=41&VideoSection=7
February 10th, 2010 at
I would say Hendricks over Fox cause Christina has such Large lovely *ahem * Eyes
February 10th, 2010 at
50 laughs for the 50 inches you down-staters are getting! The snow shoe is on the other foot… I’d rather be there for a blizzard then here, though… Ward, they are all great but if they made no announcement and just put the last 20 minutes of Planet Of The Apes on it would be the best Punk’d bit EVER. Could you imagine the drunks going nuts screaming???
February 10th, 2010 at
P.S.—As they enter the club to wrestle notice the Garry Templeton poster on the wall as a St. Louis Cardinal.
February 10th, 2010 at
alright that’s Templeton, but who is the pitcher, wearing uni #32, on the other side of the doorway? At first look I thought that the stripe down the pantleg was Mets’ colors, but it appears that the cap is red, so probably another Cardinal.
February 10th, 2010 at
Oh yeah, some of us are working today, but thanks to the fact that so many of you are home today the phones and emails are only trickling in so there’s time to check out MtM. Of course, I always make time on Wardsday!
February 10th, 2010 at
Halftime Show to end Halftime Shows: Me, Cookie baby, Megan Fox and Christine Hendricks in a hot oil match as Angry Wardinia and Samanthas-A-Fan rifle wave pom poms in cheerleading outfits.
February 10th, 2010 at
Haha YJ….I now have the image of Ward and Sam dressed like the cheerleaders in the 1974 movie ” The Longest Yard” in my head.
Sam….I think that’s Steve Carlton of the Phillies on the other poster.
February 10th, 2010 at
Mean Machine, Mean Machine, Mean Machine
February 10th, 2010 at
Best thing about the video is Rubberband Man playing throughout.
February 10th, 2010 at
Sam’s ‘Mean Machine, Mean Machine, Mean Machine,’ quote of Stripes WINS the comments for today.
Yankee Joe… I’d oblige you in the match (just because Megan Fox is good company.. puts my stock up), but you gave away my Yankee halter top and mini-skirt to Angry Ward. Hmmph!
February 10th, 2010 at
How about a contest between Joan Rivers and Heidi Montag to see who can have the most plastic surgeries during half time? The Rolling Stones would be singing ‘Satisfaction’ in the background and the winner would get to choose what procedures are done on Keith Richards ….
February 10th, 2010 at
Sam the pitcher in that poster is Steve Carlton, I believe. But, I’ll defer to Philview and the Phanatic on that one. That is if they aren’t completely buried under three feet of snow.
February 10th, 2010 at
AW: stellar today! But you might want to watch your back: last week YJ wanted you in lingerie and now it’s cheerleaders’ gear??
A mere dusting up here in the Capital District!
February 10th, 2010 at
Actually Cookie, my Mean Machine quote comes from The Longest Yard. I think that we actually used up all of the Stripes quotes in one afternoon about a year ago, but I’m game to revisit them.
JGX3’s mention of Keith Richards got me wondering if we could somehow do some sort of half time spectacular with Keith Richards falling out of coconut trees. And to build on others’ ideas how about a half time show with all these Z-list quasi celebrities (mostly from reality shows) acting out famous celebrity deaths? I think that we could innaugurate the series with the execution of the cast of Jersey Shore going down in Lynrd Skynrd’s plane and then have Paula Abdul going out Mama Cass style choking on a chicken sandwich.
February 10th, 2010 at
If Randy Jackson plays with Journey, can Simon come out after and tell him ‘it was the most terrible performance I have ever seen, dog’?
February 10th, 2010 at
Gonna need a bigger tub.
February 10th, 2010 at
I have just been asked to tryout for 1b for the NY Mets.
February 10th, 2010 at
This is a masterpiece. It needs to be on Letterman or somebody. I will get some Shotz (???) beer for the occasion and we can sit back and watch you wrestle, Ward.
February 10th, 2010 at
The weather outside is frightful, but the repartee ici is delightful! Wow! Angry Ward has us doing Snow Angels - (not J.T. Snow) we’re so excited about this frogging gem. Wisconsin Walt and SentFromHisBlackberryWireless are both spot on in their much-warranted praise… Wouldn’t want to have to follow this one up tomorrow… Oh, wait… Tall Matt, featured in this MTM classic is up. Hold onto your hats…
February 10th, 2010 at
I’ve had several Shotz Beers today down at Frank DeFazio’s Pizza Bowl. Didn’t see Lenny and Squiggy though. Tonight it’s bourbon and maybe a viewing of Groundhog Day or some other weather-appropriate film. Hmm, Hot Dog: The Movie?
February 10th, 2010 at
Did you at least get in some bowling at the Pizza Bowl? Hmmm….is there a bowling alley in Manhattan? I have no idea.
February 10th, 2010 at
Clancy, there are several bowling alleys in Manhattan and they are ridiculously expensive. I, along with two other compatriots (one a regular MTM contributor) once ran up a $500 tab at Bowlmor on University and 12th. Granted half of that was the bar tab… but still. One more thing JG, I hope you are enjoying some Old Rip during this storm. As your doctor, I recommend that you take a healthy dose.
February 10th, 2010 at
I just had this recollection we talked about bowling about a year ago?!?!
Had to do with the founding of NO MA’AM as I recall.
No bourbon today……trying to cut twenty seconds off my future halftime Kahlua show to make the NFL goons happy. I just know they’ll be calling soon. Maybe a nip of Ron Zacapa rum will help me
February 10th, 2010 at
Sam… is that the fact jack that the ‘Stripes’ quote fest was nearly a year ago? Yeesh. Well.. i do recall that they called candy a ‘lean, mean, fighting machine’ prior to his wrestling match. Guess that was my confusion.
I’ve had it with this snow crap. It’s wine-thirty for me. Game on.
February 10th, 2010 at
You’re a lean, mean, fighting machine.
February 10th, 2010 at
how’d you know craig?
February 10th, 2010 at
I swallowed a lot of aggression, along with a lot of pizzas.
February 10th, 2010 at
I wouldn’t mess with ya.
Great one Ward, by the way, sorry I’m so late to chime in here today. That picture of Teeny was my first fantasy baseball team’s symbol.
February 10th, 2010 at
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve got a slight weight problem…
February 10th, 2010 at
Mmmm…a Hulkaburger sounds good right now.
February 10th, 2010 at
Another very entertaining article.