ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: WINTER OLYMPICS PREVIEW
VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA - What, you think I’m giving you a stupid Winter Olympics preview? Screw you! I don’t owe anyone anything, least of all The Matts. After suffering through this past Mets season and watching the Vikings personally punch the Saints’ tickets to the Super Bowl, I’ll write whatever I damn well please. You want a Winter Olympics preview? I got your Olympics preview right here pal (insert crude hand-to-crotch gesture here).
CURLING: I personally think that Harpo Marx was the most famous curly-haired person ever. Juan Epstein being a distant second. Harpo, pictured here without his two famous brothers, Zeppo and Gummo.
SKELETON: Will someone please take some of these Hollywood actresses out for a few cheeseburgers and shakes? I’m not gonna name names, you know who you are. I’ll take Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks over some of these toothpicks any day.
Hendricks should sue the Golden Globes for stealing her nickname.
FIGURE SKATING: Even the most flamboyant of homosexuals think that figure skating is “a little gay.” Just ask Johnny Weir.
Johnny are you Weir?
ICE HOCKEY: It was great fun watching Sean Avery get his lights punched out by some cement-head on the Flyers last week. He went down faster than a cocktail waitress on Tiger Woods. Later he took out his frustrations on some lesser goon but that didn’t erase the memory of him dropping to the ice with one punch.
LUGE: This is the answer to the question, “What do the Mets do every time Ollie Perez pitches?” Luge. It’s also no secret that there are no shortage of Lugers in their front office.
SKI JUMPING: If New York ever lands the Summer games there’s talk that turnstile jumping may be added as an official Olympic event. The Gold medal favorites for that event would of course be The Warriors, but don’t go to sleep on the Baseball Furies.
Make no mistake, in the Olympics, the Warriors will come out to play.
BIATHLON: Does anyone think that Keith Hernandez might be biathlon?
SNOWBOARDING: This is what the CIA now uses to torture terror suspects.
ALPINE SKIING: You should skip this and just rent out the 80s classic, Hot Dog: The Movie. It’s got tons of skiing including the climactic Chinese Downhill, some of the best bad acting you’ve ever seen, led by David Naughton of Dr. Pepper fame, and brief nudity galore, featuring a nubile Shannon Tweed, years before Gene Simmons got his grubby mitts on her.
The cast of Hot Dog: The Movie unfortunately sans Shannon Tweed. The reason she’s missing is she barely had a scene with her clothes on.
BOBSLEDDING: Who the hell wants to watch Bob sledding? Haven’t we all seen Bob sled around a million times already? And isn’t it annoying how he named his stupid sled Rosebud? Why must Bob always be the center of attention?
SHORT TRACK SPEED SKATING: Also known as Idiots on Ice. You can generate around the same amount of excitement and results playing Battling Tops or with your old Hot Wheels set.
Battling Tops, from the fine folks at Ideal.
NORDIC COMBINED: This is the title of a Swedish Erotica DVD that Yankee Joe told me to tell you that he’s selling on eBay.
CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING: How Conan O’Brien and staff plan to get back to New York when NBC fails to pony up their air fare.
Okay, this is all you humans get from me today. If I could have given any less I would have. Now leave me to my cheap beer and Season 2 of Taxi.
Dr. Diz, tomorrow.
Tags: Aussie Rules, Baseball, Basketball, Christina Hendricks, CIA, clips, comedy, Conan O'Brien, Cricket, Daniel Murphy, David Naughton, exteme sports, fan forum, Football, Footy, funny, funny videos, futbol, Gene Simmons, Harpo Marx, Hockey, Hot Dog the Movie, John Maine, Johnny Weir, Juan Epstein, Keith Hernandez, lacrosse, Matt Cerrone, Meet The Matts, MeetTheMatts, mets, Metsblog, Mike Pelfrey, Minnesota Vikings, New York Mets, Ollie Perez, online MeetTheMatts, roller derby, rugby 7s, rugby league, rugby union, Sean Avery, Shannon Tweed, silly interviews, snowboarding, soccer, sports, sports blog, sports celebrities, sports injuries, Taxi, television, The Warriors, Tiger Woods, videos, Yankees
January 27th, 2010 at
AW–you bastard…it’s 2:26 am and I have just arrived home after a drunken night of trivia where we were thoroughly thrashed….5th place…and any hope of winning the season is now dead. Like our Viking Super Bowl hopes…
What would Brian Boitano do???? He’d say retire JG…and so I shall…I have the jgclancy Commemorative Medal of Honor aka Pledge Pin bottle of Van Winkles 12 Year Reserve Bourbon secured..it was hard to find and cost a pretty penny….70,000 South Korean won to be exact!!
All I have to say is Short Track Speed skating is BS…like any snowboarding or synchronized swimming as well.
Of course, I will watch every minute of any event I can see..especially curling & hockey…
Anyhoo..with football season over and pitchers and catchers on the horizon I wish you all well and say bon something french canadien….you won’t have jgclancy to kick around anymore
P.S.–Cookie, I’ll stillsend you a bottle of homemade Kahlua if you want..just send you’re address via AW or yahoo to me
A time it was and what a time it was it was a time of innocence of time of confidences long ago it must be I have a photogragh present your memories they’re all that’s left you………….jgclancy says goodbye
January 27th, 2010 at
Damn it. I was hoping that for another week and half, someone would ignore the Winter Olympics so I could cover the sports. Alas, you’ve done a better job anyway in your football induced rage. Well done Angry.. well done.
I must disagree with you about bobsledding though. I’d watch ‘Cool Runnings’ (and any real life Jamaican bobsled team) any time over the rest of the Winter Olympics.
January 27th, 2010 at
Angry Ward is not exactly a company man. You inspired me to bash my bosses, Mate!
January 27th, 2010 at
That’s it All Blacks Rule! Fight the Power!
Cookie, any movie with John Candy is all right by me. Especially if that movie is “Summer Rental.”
Finally, after reading Clancy’s drunken, bleary-eyed comment this morning, I really think we need to designate one day each month as Drunk Commentary and Intellectual Review Day. Although I realize, for some of us at least, every day is that day.
January 27th, 2010 at
Sign me up for these AW Olympics - as long as I get to play Battling Tops or do the Nordic combined with Christina Hendricks.
January 27th, 2010 at
Nice one, AW. I’m 100% on board for the Drunk Commentary and Intellectual Review Day.
The only winter olympic sport I care about is men’s Ice Hockey. I’m still waiting for that Jamaican ice hockey team to hit the world circuit.
January 27th, 2010 at
Can Ward clarify.. did you mean one COMBINED day for Drunk Commentary and Intellectual Review Day? If so… that should be really interesting…especially for the intellectuals.
January 27th, 2010 at
A-Dubya: Have you become the Bobby Bonilla of the MTM Clubhouse?! We do the best to hide our faces with the huge glasses as it is? Are you suggesting bags? Wait… You may be onto something… And your column is stupendous, so we’ll put up with your insubordination like the Giants put up with Barry Bonds.
All: We’re drunk with our love for you and sports - do we really need anything more?!
January 27th, 2010 at
met fans should get drunk! what kind of name is juan epstien?
January 27th, 2010 at
I just watched your interview with Matt from the Met thing. Very cute. Carbon footprint boys! Good for you. And I agree with Cookie - the Jamaica bobsled team is the draw for me.
January 27th, 2010 at
Ward, I’m with you on the Warriors finishing first in turnstile jumping, but the Baseball Furies second? I don’t think so. My money is on the Mau-maus to place.
“What the frog is Chinese down hill?”
January 27th, 2010 at
Boy oh BOY! WHO is Hendricks? She needs to become my wife.
January 27th, 2010 at
“He went down faster than a cocktail waitress on Tiger Woods.” Internet line of the day!
January 27th, 2010 at
No slight to Ward.. but the internet line of the day will come in about twenty minutes. It’s ‘I’m pleased to introduce the iTablet.
January 27th, 2010 at
Sam, I think we can agree that the Orphans won’t medal at all. I’m also glad to see that you’re aware of the greatest skiing movie ever made.
Cookie, Drunk Commentary and Intellectual Review are one in the same. To me, anyway.
Matts, watch that Bonilla crap or I’ll call for a general MTM writers strike in April. Rex O’Rourke is our hard-drinking Union shop steward.
January 27th, 2010 at
I have not wanted to say this to Matt in a long time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG2FxBmpMnM
Nor have I said this to any compatriots ABOUT Matt:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MC-XZDMVJe0&feature=related
January 27th, 2010 at
I’m on TV and I say Mad Men has the best *tats on TV.
*Edited by MTM Censors and forwarded to CBS.
January 27th, 2010 at
Lost the Battling Tops, but still have the Hot Wheels set.
Still have the Swedish Erotica tape, too.
January 27th, 2010 at
SentfromBlackberry, your choice of the Tiger Woods line as “Best of Ward” for today was indeed hard to dispute. And I wouldn’t try. However, my personal, laugh out loud Warder of the day was this one -
Even the most flamboyant of homosexuals think that figure skating is “a little gay.”
Classic on many levels.
January 27th, 2010 at
What has always confused me about figure skating and homosexuality is the following: In order to reach the elite level necessary to compete in the Olympics, one must start training for it at a very early age. Pre-puberty for certain. Is it really possible that these little boys from all over the globe, are conscious of their sexual orientation at seven years old? I mean, I can understand how you end up with so many gay hockey players, like our friend Kocur, because they all started before they knew they were gay, but in order to reach the medal podium these figure skaters had to have known they were gay much earlier than most of the literature on the subject would sugest is likely.
January 27th, 2010 at
Sam - simple answer is that a parent is gay. Doesn’t matter if they are in the closet. Philview is right about the line of the day. Cracked me up.
January 27th, 2010 at
Ward-iors, come out to plaa-ayyy! Watch out for the Lizzies in the opening ceremonies, I hear they’re packing. I also love how you list David Naughton’s other credit as Dr. Pepper commercials and not American Werewolf…I haven’t seen Hot Dog since it was in theaters, but I still hope to run into that foxy brunette whenever I get on a gondola.
Short Track skating should be called Short Bus skating.
January 27th, 2010 at
Short Track skating is just an opportunity for the more closeted skaters to put their hands on each others butts!
January 27th, 2010 at
Whose kidding who here??? Samanthas-A-Man and Angry Wardinia travel to figure skating events all the time in there cute little Beemer roadster… And how about his for a olympic event, Omar watches Billy Bean get Ben Sheets and jgclara drinks herself unconscious?
January 27th, 2010 at
Joe asked me to relay to all of you that the current top bid on his Nordic Combined DVD stands at $25.75. Bidding closes in three hours.
January 27th, 2010 at
Will Ferrell did the figure skating movie and really got away with murder making fun of it.
January 27th, 2010 at
I’m giddy at the thought of having the winning bid for Joe’s gently used (or so he says) DVD. I knew that the extra $0.75 would scare away other bidders. But I’m not so giddy as to be able to ignore the ominous rumblings suggesting JG Clancy is retiring from this site and say “What the what!” Say it aint so JG Chlamydia?!?. Meet the Matts without you is like a day without sun, and a day without sun is like….night.
January 27th, 2010 at
JUST POSTED on http://www.MetsBlog.com:
Me on Meet the Matts, talking Interviews
by Matthew Cerrone
January 27, 2010 at 16:57 pm
Here is a video I did with Meet the Matts, recapping my recent interviews with Dwight Gooden, Darryl Strawberry, John Maine, Mike Pelfrey and Daniel Murphy:
To read more from this post, click here.
January 27th, 2010 at
can anyone attest to the defensive ability of a one Randy Winn?
January 27th, 2010 at
Randy Winn is still in the league? Maybe Jerry Lumpe can tell you something about him.
Clancy’s not going anywhere. That Rip Van Winkle 12 year will have his synapses firing so fast, he’ll have no choice but to post.
January 27th, 2010 at
That’s it from Metsblog??? Kind of lame.
January 27th, 2010 at
Why I hate the Olympics, reason #24;
Ice dancing. And everything that has anything to do with it.
http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/news?slug=ap-weir-fur&prov=ap&type=lgns
January 28th, 2010 at
this is bloody histerical