GROTE’S GRIPES: ESPN DAY
BRISTOL, CT - Being a MeetTheMatts.com staffer can have its benefits, despite the fact that there wasn’t an MTM Christmas Party or year-end bonus, but in these tough economic times who can complain about that? Instead, my mid-December assignment had me traveling up to Bristol to see how the folks up at ESPN run things. As a matter of professional courtesy ESPN allowed me unrestricted access to their offices and studios yesterday. What an experience it was, indeed! The following is an account of that wondrous day taken from my mental notebook:
Upon my 9 a.m. arrival, I’m meet by an intern and given a quick tour of the studios. Next I’m invited into the SportsCenter meeting rooms. This is where the ESPN brain-trust come up with the stories that will appear on the show that evening. Sitting in the room are 7 or 8 executives along with anchor Jay Harris. Also in attendance are a pair of eager youngsters named Peter Tweeter and Faceboy. Peter provides constant insight into the happenings on the twitter pages of athletes and Faceboy peruses Facebook and MySpace accounts for some good information.
The meeting begins with Matt Milan bursting into the room to inform everyone that Chris Henry had fallen out of bed and was in grave condition in a North Carolina hospital. Peter Tweeter chimes in: “Not so fast fat boy, according to Chris Henry’s fiancee’s Twitter account he was playin’ da fool in da back of her ride. He tried to get up in her cab while she was rolling down the Lane and she dumped his ass on the blacktop”. ‘Who is this fiancee?’ asked one of the execs. Quickly, Faceboy Googles: Chris Henry’s baby mama, and finds out her name is Loleini Tonga. He swiftly pulls up her Facebook account and reads her latest entry:
At 8:00 PM on December 15, she posted: “Jus put deposIt down 4 weDDing piCs… Paid 4 ouR riNgs… Bout 2 eaT wiT my maN n bay bayz…. Startin 2 geT a headache thinKing bouT dis weddin.. I need A cuP.”
The execs all agree; “We got to get her on SportsCenter!” Just then, over the corporate loudspeaker, the following announcement is broadcast: “ESPN.com’s Todd McShay reports that John Kruk has rendered the second floor men’s room “unusable”. “Again?” blurts out Jay Harris. After the chorus of groans die down, it is back to business.
“What cross-promotional material is on the agenda for SportsCenter this week?” asks an exec. “Well ABC is starting a series called The Real Housewives of the NBA, so I was thinking of getting Khloe Kardashian for Sportscenter at 11 tonight,” says program director Neil Johnston. Faceboy informs everyone that Khloe will be signing autographs at a Hartford Red Lobster this afternoon so it shouldn’t be hard to get her on. Boo-yah’s fill the room and backslapping follows for the next 5 minutes.
Peter then informs us of some breaking news. Apparently Lance Armstrong has hired someone to tweet about his daily activities so he doesn’t have to take the time to type the posts himself. “That guy is so cutting edge” says an exec, who for the record has six or seven yellow Live Strong bands around each wrist. “He deserves an ESPY for this move” agrees a coworker.
Next an exec brings up the point of graphics running over the highlights during SportsCenter. “Bodenheimer [ESPN CEO George W.] wants more on screen graphics during highlights” to which Jay Harris responds “I can hardly comment on the highlights now because they are obscured. I can’t see if a putt ever falls in the cup because of all the graphics, most of the time I guess that it goes in or else why would we be showing it but I have no visual proof”. “Pipe down Harris” shouts the exec back at Jay, “next year we are officially going to be called ‘SportsCenter presented by Black and Decker‘ with a constant banner ad running across your desk”. “Sorry sir.” responds Jay sheepishly, as he slinks down in his chair.
Just then Peter Tweeter exclaims that Robbie Knievel has just posted that he will be jumping over Karl Ravech’s toupee. “We got to get a banner running across that thing” says an exec. Faceboy informs all that in an online pool Ravech’s hair piece was voted the most noticeable ESPN accessory just ahead of Stuart Scott’s glass eye.
John Clayton comes into the room holding his breath, loudly exhaling as he closes the door. “Kruk must be on this floor because there is an incredibly foul odor. I’m telling you it is ugly out there, Steve Phillips-intern-ugly. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you guys that Chris Henry fell out of a flatbed truck last night and died this morning.” “That’s just too bad” exclaimed an exec, “I thought he had a real future in broadcasting after his playing days were up, He could’ve been as good as Emmitt Smith.”
With that, the room breaks for lunch and I decide I’ve seen enough of the workings of ESPN for one day and decide to drive back home, riding on the inside of my car just to be safe.
Tags: Bristol, Chris Henry, Emmitt Smith, ESPN, Facebook, Google, Hartford Red Lobster, Jay Harris, John Clayton, John Kruk, Karl Ravech's toupee, Khloe Kardashian, Lance Armstrong, Loleini Tonga, Matt Milan, MySpace, Neil Johnston, North Carolina, Robbie Knievel, Sportscenter, Steve Phillips, Stuart Scott, Todd McShay, Twitter
December 18th, 2009 at
Very good. Very real. Keep up the good work.
December 18th, 2009 at
Sorry to change the topic but anytime the Mets have some MAJOR Hot Stove action to report, MTM should be the first to get it out.
The Mets have bolstered their pen with the signing of Ryota Igarashi.
Guess we have to wait on the Jack Cust signing.
“I have known the Mets’ scout in Japan, Isao O’Jimi, since I was in high school,” Igarashi said through a translator. “When I received the Mets’ offer there was no doubt in my mind that this was the team I wanted to go to and start my career in the United States.”
December 18th, 2009 at
No party? whats that all about? spend some of that Birthday money you been saving all these years!!!!!!!
December 18th, 2009 at
Thanks for the News Philly. Grote, So there are no Current stars just hanging around there like in the commercials?? I am sad now
December 18th, 2009 at
No stars just a bunch of bottom line corporate shills.
December 18th, 2009 at
New research just released by Live Science indicates that New Yorkers were the least happy of all 50 States. I’m guessing the reseach was conducted before the Mets signing of Igarashi.
Live Science
Philly might be ugly but at least we’re happy.
December 18th, 2009 at
Being drunk and being happy are two different things Phanatic.
Steve-Phillips-intern-ugly should become a permanent part of the lexicon.
December 18th, 2009 at
Exactly AW - being drunk, fat and stupid is no way to go through life son.
December 18th, 2009 at
Grote2DMax: Well done. It’s like we were right there with you!
PhillyPhanatic: Iga The Difference Maker will make you green with envy! Wait, you’re already green…
caracap77: Growing up on 77th Street with you did exact a toll that we’re still paying! The coiffures are bare!
Cookie: Where the Claudette Rains are you?!
December 18th, 2009 at
Wow, no wonder Peter Gammons fled that place!
Forget Iragashi…welcome home Nick Johnson!
December 18th, 2009 at
Guess it’s not too soon for Chris Henry jokes?!
December 18th, 2009 at
I don’t know Rex, I thought comedy was supposed to be tragedy plus time, but I didn’t think time was supposed to be measured in miliseconds.
December 18th, 2009 at
There is a lesson in the Chris Henry story - don’t try to beat up your girlfriend by jumping in the back of a moving pickup she is driving. If you do please make sure one of your arms isn’t in a cast.
December 18th, 2009 at
So now the Yankees have a Swisher and a swinging Johnson to go along with an A-Rod… What’s next, getting Wood from the Indians?
December 18th, 2009 at
Ore P;
Ouch.
By teh way, do they have a rEd Lobster in Hartford? That’s kind of like a Taco Bell in El Paso…begs the question, why would you eat there?
December 18th, 2009 at
Grote - Now we will get a Chris Henry Helmet law - you get a ticket for not wearing a helmet when you jump into a moving pickup truck with that bad arm.
December 18th, 2009 at
Present Matts.. Present!! I was out taking the mini-Cookies to swim class this AM (the big mini-cookie.. not the infant mini), then off to my Dr… where i was informed everything was in working order and got blasted with an H1N1 vaccine AND a tetnus vaccine. Oy.. my arm is going to be SORE tomorrow.
Nice work Grote. I’ve been meaning to check out the compound at Bristol. I mean.. if some of those guys can work there… they should be LOVIN my intelligence. Or maybe not.
Speaking of ESPN… I am still on the lookout for Steve Phillips here in my ‘hood. Someone give me a good line for him in case i see him. Angry Ward?////
December 18th, 2009 at
Spotted this afternoon on 21st Street between Park Avenue South and B’Way, one David Wright. I hate to give ammo to the haters, but I must say he was walking around looking a little dazed and confused. The man wasn’t wearing a jacket in this frigid weather and was pullling one of those rolling carry-on style suitcases. I suggested that he was looking for his ride which wasn’t were it was supposed to be or just heading to the garage to grab his ride, but my buddy suggested that he was heading across the street to Tens.
December 18th, 2009 at
Great detective work Sam - would’ve made Sam Spade proud. I think he may be jetting to Miami to court Kate Hudson.
December 18th, 2009 at
Sam maybe Wright’s rolling suitcase was filled with cash and he was gonna make it rain Pac Man Jones-style at Tens.
Maybe it’s too soon with the Chris Henry comments (i felt a little bad that I joked about it yesterday) but I do find it funny how everyone was saying how he had gotten his life back on track? Really? Jumping into moving pick-ups chasing after the mother of your three children is tantamount to a life back on track?
Cookie, gimme a sec on that phillips line.
December 18th, 2009 at
AW what do you think of Milton Bradley as a Mariner?
December 18th, 2009 at
Officer Bob I think that new law will save many lives.
December 18th, 2009 at
Central Connecticut’s volleyball team has clear ASSets. Might have to check out a game and after party on my way home to the Nutmeg State.
December 18th, 2009 at
I had two Gorditas at Taco Bell for lunch today at the Taco Bell just off of White Plains Road and Bruckner Highway. Yummy……sorry DIZ but I love authentic Mexican food and Taco Bell…heck they even have Taco Bell in Mexico City!!! Sandra Bullock never seems to be in them which I think is odd.
Would the new Henry Helmet Law include a chin strap like Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider??
Go Vikings..one more win to clinch a nice bye week
December 18th, 2009 at
Angry Ward… you’ve had enough time. With the end-of-the-world blizzard coming tomorrow.. i need a line in case i run into Steve Phillips in my local supermarket (ok.. that or the local Four-Buck Coffee shop). Line please.
Grote.. that’d be just like a Met of Wright…. taking the Yanks’ sloppy seconds.
December 18th, 2009 at
Ignore Steve Phillips if you see him and stay out of Whorebucks Coffee!
If you see Lawrence Phillips just say….”Bye Bye”.