COOKIE’S CORNER: RECESSION SALE
OUTER ‘BURBS, CT - Times are tough… kinda sort of. I mean, someone was buying all those tickets to see the World Champion Yankees claim their rightful 2009 Title. Word on the street (Wall, not Main) is that unemployment numbers are down and home sales (existing, not new) are on the rise. You need some good glasses to read all the fine print on these reports and any of us normal folk will say we haven’t seen any change. Methinks it’s all a media ploy, to get us in gear for the holiday season. Speaking of which, was it really necessary for the Salvation Army dude to be out with the bell the other day when it was 65 degrees?
Ding Dong… It’s Christmas already?!?
From what I’ve been seeing, all signs point to our being stuck in a nasty recession. There are all SORTS of crazy sales happening and here at MTM, it’s our duty to point out the good bargains when we can. So, break open your piggy banks and enjoy the spoils.
CARRIE PREJEAN’S VIDEO: Embattled Former Miss California Carrie Prejean is hot on the talk show circuit opening up about all the scandal swirling around her including her controversial anti-gay marriage stance during the pageant and her dropped slander and defamation lawsuit against the Miss America organization. (When our buddy Larry King asked her about this Wednesday on his show, she declined to answer, called him “inappropriate” and walked off the set of the interview studio.) Most recently a sex-tape of Ms. Prejean, PRE-JEANS was released by an ex-boyfriend of hers. Carrie was seen on the tape, enflagrante… um… entertaining herself. Once again this proves that appearing in your own sex tape is just a BAD idea. And of course for all the battering she’s receiving in her current interviews, she’s always able to manage a smile and a plug for? Her new book! The book is on sale now and I’m sure if you look hard enough, you can find the video, too.
WORLDLY WORLD CHAMPION TOGS: We all know the Yankees are the 2009 World Series Champions. The Yanks sported their World Champion gear during their ticker tape parade and Modell’s and Dick’s Sporting Goods started selling the garb immediately after the World Series and all through the night. But what ever happened to those most-definitely printed 2009 World Champion Philadelphia Phillies hats, t-shirts, sweatshirts and the like? Unlike unreleased sex tapes, they DO NOT see the light of day. But they DO exist. Where do they go? Third World countries? Will The Matts find them on their next exotic trip? Will some unsuspecting Aussie Rules Football Player pick one up during his jaunt to a island in his hemisphere? I dunno. But our American love of the ironic would make them the perfect item in the sales bin at any and every discount store. Where the hell are they? I want one. And one of these, for that matter:
Aussie Rules Footy Players are SCRUMptious!
J-LO’S DOWN-LO HONEYMOON SHOT: Back in the day, on the 6 Train, you might’ve seen Jenny from the Block. Since being a Fly Girl on In Living Color (the show.. not the band), Ms. Lopez has married three times. Of course, one of those times she made the mistake of??? You guessed it: Sex Tape:
Say it ain’t so, J-Lo! Compromising positions on tape are a ‘No-No!
J-Lo’s first husband Ojani Noa (yes, I had to look this info up) is threatening to release over 11 hours of bootylicious J-Lo home movies, which include some sexually explicit material from their honeymoon. For now, a California judge (that’s JUDGE - not Judd; Cris Judd was her second nobody-husband) has granted a temporary restraining order prohibiting release of the footage. Seeing this is the 2nd time Noa has tried to release some other materials, I’m guessing that eventually he’ll figure out how to backdoor this stuff out. Keep your eye on your local video store.
K-HUD’S ‘Don’t Pull Your Pud V-Jay-Jay Ho Mojo‘ : During the 2009 World Series Champion victory parade (did I mention that glorious occasion again?), suspiciously absent from the public eye and Yankee flotilla was one Ms. Kate Hudson (aka K-Hud). Seems K-Hud’s magic v-jay jay mojo erected A-Rod’s post-season play to a fabulous level. Yankee fans everywhere thank her. And now, for a short time (and I mean REALLY short) you will have the opportunity to buy Kate Hudson’s Golden V-jay-Jay Mojo. Right after A-Rod dumps her because she won’t relent with the marriage talk, she’ll be shopping her wares.
A.J. BURNETT’S FAMOUS CREAM PIES: Everyone loves a cream pie. Nobody’s cream pies are nuttier and more predictable than A.J. Burnett’s Famous Cream Pies. (No, I am not talking about another sex tape!) Yeah, so sometimes they are a little wild and end up in the dirt, but everyone loves some pie in the face (Yankee Joe, no comment please). Look for them in stores near you. In fact, they should be right next to the Nick Swisher Barber Shop O’ Silly.
Speaking of pies, here are some cutie-pies, just for the fellas. This finally proves to me that perhaps soccer is worth another look. Maybe it’s NOT so boring after all!
CITY COSTCO CONUNDRUM: Now I’ve heard it all. A Costco was recently opened in Harlem. You know, Costco… where you can get a 10-lb. bag of dried cranberries to sprinkle on your 15-lb box of fiber rich cereal. Of course, down the aisle you can buy the requisite 50-pack of toilet paper the size of a Mini Cooper. Anyone who lives in the ‘burbs loves Costco because buying in bulk means you can save money. But a Costco in Harlem?!?! First off, how are people schlepping their gigantic jugs of detergent home? On the subway?!? And how much freezer space are you taking up with that 5-lb. bag of ravioli?!? Pfft! Call me when you figure out where to store all that toilet paper and crap in an NYC apartment.
METS MAD-OFF THE RACK JACKET - Le piece du resistance. In an effort to recover some of the millions - or wait… I think that’s BILLIONS - of dollars Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi Scheme bilked out of retirement savings everywhere, his personal possessions are being auctioned off. While Rolex watches, a house in The Hamptons and Chanel this or that sound nice, I’ve got my eye on the next item, which is the ONLY way I’d wear these colors; That’s right, I’d put on the attractive (that’s sarcasm, people) color combo of orange and blue if I were to have the Mets jacket personalized with Bernie’s name ‘MADOFF’ on the back. And if any of you jokers get the jacket, I want a picture of me standing next to you in it.
Sure, the 2009 World Series Champion Phillies togs are a good bit of irony but they pale in comparison to the Madoff jacket. That jacket just speaks volumes. It says “I screwed the Wilpons, I screwed the stadium, I screwed the fans.” The media is projecting it will go for several hundred dollars. I say add a few zeros on that. There’s no putting a price on priceless.
So get out there folks! The holidays are coming and there are plenty of bargains to be had. If you’re not interested in any of these, there’s also Andre Agassi’s book, Gnip Gnop, and I hear Randy Levine is selling his hot tub because he’s trading up for a bigger one.
Tags: A.J. Burnett, Alex Rodriguez, Andre Agassi, Aussie Rules Football, Bernie Madoff, Carrie Prejean, Chanel, Christmas, Costco, Cris Judd, Dick's Sporting Goods, Footy, Fred Wilpon, Gnip Gnop, Hamptons, Harlem, Hot Stove, Jennifer Lopez, Kate Hudson, Larry King, mets, Mini Cooper, Miss America, Miss California, Miss Universe, Miss USA, Modell's, MTA, Nick Swisher, NYC Subway, Ojani Noa, Phillies, ponzi scheme, Randy Levine, Rolex, Salvation Army, sports, sports comedy, Yankees
November 13th, 2009 at
Cookie-
The 2009 Philanthropic Phillies will be spreading their Brotherly Love to Uggie Urbina, Ambirox Bourgos and the boys. The Central American Chain gangs will make great use of our gifts. It will be a welcome change to the five years of Yankee AL Champion shirts they’ve been forced to wear.
We’ll see you next October.
Love, The Phanatic
P.S. Nice photo Cookie-Lo
November 13th, 2009 at
cookie is the best thing on mtm but i still love my angry ward! us females have to stick together. lol. i love aussie rules players too! is it soccer?
November 13th, 2009 at
Cookie, you should come to a rugby game. You’ll like us more then any footy player. But they are a good second choice over your gridiron apes.
November 13th, 2009 at
Damn it.. Janet.. i love you (too). (And thus the door is opened for movie quotes.) That is one VERY high comment.. and while I appreciate it.. i humbly disagree.
All Blacks.. I’ve been to your fair country.. seen your men (and the sheep).. and would LOVE to attend a rugby game. Alas… a flight over there isn’t in my future. Feel free to direct me to the appropriate You Tube clips. I had a rugby player as a flat mate in college… and one who was a beau… i know i like them. Bring it on.
November 13th, 2009 at
Oh.. the Love Letter from PP just made my weekend. I’m shocked you figured out my other nickname. Good on ya. Hugs and kisses from the World Bleepin’ Champions… 27 times over.
November 13th, 2009 at
Jesus! That soccer chick from New Mexico should have been arrested. What a menace. Also, don’t be fooled by the tapes that she makes, she’s still Jenny from the block. (Cookie, you know there’s a better J-Lo photo out there. Where is it?)
November 13th, 2009 at
All Blacks Rule, I’ve played both….sorry, but American football is tougher, the bigger hits, much more often take it out of you.. They’re both great games, though.
Cookie, don’t know what unemployment stats you are looking at, but we just passed 10% nationally and are now the highest since 1981. Fat cats down on Wall St. are probobly rewarding themselves with big bonuses funded by our tax dollars.
Interesting couple of clips from the soccar game as angry girl of the year beats up on the no-cokes. I’m thinking that the Midol people will be after her for a sponsorship right quick. Funny thing is, the score was….yawn….1-0. The only time soccer is interesting is when someone cheats, fights, or the fans go on one of thier riotous rampages.
You talk about multiple marriages and sex videos like they are a bad thing….hmmmm, maybe I’m in trouble. On both counts. Gotta use those video capabilites on your cell phone, right?
the already printed sports crap from teams that didn’t make it gets sent to charity and ends up in Africa, where it is used to cloth Somali pirates, Nigerian boy soilders, and other defenders of truth, justice and the American way.
November 13th, 2009 at
J-Cookie Baby! Lets make some cream pies on tape! I wont be wild with the cream baby!
Phanatic - is that all you got? That Yankee stuff is now worth more. They can buy some more tacos with it now.
November 13th, 2009 at
COOKIE: Exceptional column - you need to start recording your every-minute thoughts and have them transcribed for on-camera pundits! STAT!!! Also, the MTM Tech Staff finally caught up with your requests, so please, everybody, revisit the article, especially the links…
YANKEE JOE: Watch it, Pal. She’s spoken for!
eddiz: What is soccar? Is it a new NASCAR event or is it simply a lack of Spell-Check down there in Fort Worth, Pardner? And we’ve seen, first-hand, many of said wrongly printed garments last year all over Central America, or at least in Guatemala, Honduras and Nicaragua - especially at Dennis Martinez Stadium.
November 13th, 2009 at
Spell check takes too much time…and the question really should be, what IS soccer…a meaningless game played by euro pansies, a chance for estrogen deranged women to beat each other up, or a diabolical sneak attack on our cherished way of life that continues to brain wash American suburban youth and the sports editors of the NY Times?. Most of the world calls it futbol anyways, who gives a rat’s behind if it’s spelled right?
Cookie, you didn’t note the new Nike Uniforms that are showing up in various college and pro teams. The Frogs will be wearing them this weekend; their helmets will have little red streams on them to simulate spitting blood (for real) like the horny toads do when they are pissed off. Unfortunately, some marketing numb nut up there in Portland had a little too much kind bud, and they are calling them Nike “Pro Combat”uniforms.
News flash to Nike; the real “Pro Combat” uniforms are currently being worn in places like Iraq and Afganistan by various members of the armed forces, including my cousin Jay. Change the name, D-bags.
November 13th, 2009 at
eddiz.. i have been too busy trying to ignore those new pro football uniforms. those quasi throwbacks the broncos wore last week were clearly bad luck.
yankee joe.. your chances may have been better if you took me to a world series game. that said.. i’d never put any of my escapades on tape.
matts… a recording of my conscious stream of thought would be quite boring and often involving ‘What? What was i just trying to remember?’ along with various curse words (never to be uttered of course) and… ‘oh lord… make it quick.. i’m really tired.’
ward.. i know the photo you speak of. i have tried to find it before and seems the killjoy’s at Conde Nasty (parent of Vanity Fair) have erased the digital image of that shot from the planet. it’s up to you to track down the hard copy photo and we can have it scanned. we have the technology.
November 13th, 2009 at
and eddiz… the stat i mentioned about unemployment relates to the rates of NEW unemployment claims filed. i’m well aware we’re over 10%. like i said.. it’s all a media ploy to try and rev us up for the holiday season.
November 13th, 2009 at
agreed….I personally refuse to acknowledge XMAS before Thanksgiving and save all my shopping for December 24th.
November 13th, 2009 at
Something for everyone here Cookie! Between J-Lo’s backdoor tapes, V-Jay-Jay’s golden erection, and talk of cream pies and chicks fighting on the pitch, I’ve got to take a cold shower. Too bad we can’t get a little Prejean music video here as well, strumming the one hand banjo. Wait, did I just write that, or think it real loud?
November 13th, 2009 at
I like it, since shopping is one of my favorite things to do! The Aussie player was a nice touch too, altough that girl on the video sure is a meanie.
November 13th, 2009 at
Nice read, Cookie. Very entertaining. I think you have some of the less mature boys on here over heated - not that you don’t deserve that reaction but come on guys, get a grip… I especially liked the link of the 6 train with the little girl. That’s not a young Jenny From The Block, is it?
November 13th, 2009 at
WCC… good luck with your banjo.
Missy Jill.. a kindly thank you. The girl who did the hair pull was justified. The chick she yanked gave her a frontal cameltoe.. totally uncalled for.
SentFromMyBlackberry…. what can i say? Sometimes the boys like it a little blue over here. I just give ‘em the goods to go at it. The little girl on the 6 train link was inserted by Management. All else i take responsibility for.
No one took the ball on the movie quotes and ran with it. Craig… you didn’t get it?? Shocking.
November 13th, 2009 at
Cookie…I was enjoying your editorial until you got into the sex tapes. That was the end of your article and the beginning of a dead end Google search.
Is there really a sex tape or is she just trying to sell her dumb book?
November 13th, 2009 at
Cookie, great article but you have to know by now that you have to take credit for anything here. The Matts would be the first to tell you and the first to take credit.
November 13th, 2009 at
Good luck getting any Rocky Horror quotes with this crowd, Cooks, but I will throw some toast at my computer screen if that helps.
November 13th, 2009 at
Just for Cookie WCC—Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me / I wanna be dirty! Chill me, thrill me, fulfill me / Creature of the night! …as i look at the J-Lo photo , of course :0
I still remember driving my car down the sidewalk at midnight to scatter a bunch of those Rocky Horror nut jobs who were being rather rude to an elderly couple…..good times good times!
November 13th, 2009 at
Give WCC a hand…er.. i think. Speaking of Time Warps… where IS Tony?
Oregon Pete.. there’s no way I’m taking credit for a picture of a little girl on a train. no way. Chicks fighting, naked chicks in nets, J-Lo in compromising positions.. absolutely. And I’ll sneak in the occasional hot dude when i can.. we should only be a little fair.
November 13th, 2009 at
The Mets really need some of that New Mexican soccer chick’s attitude.
November 13th, 2009 at
Another stellar week in Mattville… Ladies and germs, just in case there is a temporary blackout here, it’s just some quick site maintenance called propagating… We’re getting the real http://www.MeetTheMatts.com address back from TheMattsTV.com and only The Shadow (and a Pakistani Tech guy that we couldn’t understand) knows if the site will crash in the interim. It will be brief, if at all… STAY TUNED… And Thank you!
November 13th, 2009 at
I gotta say there’s a lotta riff raff around here today. Speaking of which, who’s posting manana?