GO FAST, TURN LEFT, GO FAST, TURN LEFT… GIRLS LIKE IT!
by Missy-Jill Dixie
MJD was referred by Eddiz and will provide perspective on Southern lifestyle and hospitality for MTM.
FORT WORTH, TEXAS - Quick America, y’all [you all] know what sport leads the good ol’ USA in average attendance per event and which is second to football in TV viewership? If you guessed NASCAR, you guessed right, Buttercup! That’s right, NASCAR.
Drivin’ round in circles, suckin’ up fossil fuels, spewin’ out tons of noise, smoke and awesome wrecks, it’s the chosen sport of my mom’s side of the family. My dad’s side never quite warmed up to it and its drinkin’ class:
JoeBob and BettyLou Six-Pack.
And this portion of America drinks American beer only; none of that left or right coast, blue state, Volvo drivin’, imported or micro-brew stuff. Nope. Bud, Miller, Coors and the like are the preference, thank you very much.
You’re getting the picture, right?
Now, it’s no secret that MeetTheMatts.com leans kinda Yankee (as in Northern - she said with a smile) and last time I was in Central Park I didn’t see any race tracks packed with mullets and tats, so you probably don’t know much about car racing. Down here in Fort Worth we host two NASCAR shindigs a year, in November and April, so The Matts enlisted me and said it was my new duty, for God, Country, The Daughters of the Confederacy, the original Texas 300 and the continued growth of MTM, to give you all [y’all] a primer on NASCAR.
The first thing you must know is NASCAR’s history - how it came about. It started with Prohibition, when some silly Yanks (who talked too loud and didn’t have proper manners) actually made it illegal to drink! This was just plain ol’ country dumb and resulted in some serious shenanigans. You Yanks had your mob types (Eye-talians) like those in The Godfather and Goodfellas, who smuggled booze in from the Canadians despite the cute Mounties, who I just love! But down here, especially back in Appalachia, the locals made their own hooch, called it moonshine and ran it around in modified vehicles to evade The Law.
When Prohibition ended our good ol’ boys figured that payin’ them revenuers was kinda like givin’ pie to a fat man, so some took to evadin’ the law ‘n runnin’ shine in their souped-up cars. That’s where it all started. And it continues. In Kentucky, The Carolinas or Virginia - to this day - people are runnin’ shine. They are also runnin’ other things, including the wacky tabacky - Kentucky Bluegrass. CAMP helicopters fly around the fields, looking for the stuff. In fact, the last time I was up at my fourth cousin Jackson’s place, it was a real hoot. He was cussin’ [cursing] up a storm at the sound of the choppers: “Dang Washington storm troopers tryin’ to tell us what my family can and can’t grow on our own dang land! It’s a good cash crop and ain’t hurtin’ no one.” Sad thing is, I’m not kidding about this.
Anyway… Boys being boys led to much arguing and betting about who had the fastest car and after the World War II, aside from relishing something called a happy ending, they started NASCAR. Credit is apparently given to Erwin “Cannonball” Baker . First races were on dirt tracks using modified stock cars. Modified stocks continued to be used into the 60’s and 70’s, when King Richard Petty won more races than anyone else. Now-a-days, the cars are high-tech pieces of machinery that you need a cotton-pickin’ Engineering Degree from Georgia Tech to figure out. But the racin’ is still bumper to bumper, neck and neck and after an hour or so, it sends chills up a girl’s spine - at least this ones.
So what’s a Race Day like? Well, here in the great state of Texas, me and 212,000 of my friends get together for four days of racin’, drinkin’ anb BBQ’n fun at Fort Worth’s Texas Motor Speedway .
The Infield: Just like baseball, this is where the action is. The roar of the crowd, the smell of the cars and lots of people who routinely get themselves drunker than a skunk. Don’t ask me why but many of the women flash all kinds of private things. Shinin’ examples of Southern womanhood, I tell you. And yes, I’m guilty as charged!
I’m not in this picture!
Anyway, the infield is basically Hillbilly Mecca, a Redneck Rendezvous of monstrous proportions. We’re talking major league boozing, smoking, eating.
When the race starts, it is like a 747 taking off right in your vibrating skull but after about ten minutes or so, with the right mix of sun and drink, it all blends in and everybody continues partying. As for the race itself, it’s all mixed up on the track, so you really can’t tell whose in first without looking at one of the big TV screens, or someones television set up by their RV.
The Wrecks & Fights: There’s always a couple of good smash ups, with cars careening this and that way and flipping over. And the drivers all have a bit of a temper - like their fans - and want to be the cock of the walk. (Yes, I did type that.) So, there are the occasional fist fights just to keep our motors running.
As for rooting, you pick your favorite drivers, of course, but you also pick your faves from the cars. That’s right, we get crazed over Ford, Chevy, MoPar… Just keep it American! And what’s more American than getting drunk, half naked and getting your fill of cars, crashes, fights and spoils like ribs, fried chcken, okra and collard greens? Did I mention the margarita’s and cosmopolitans? It’s all just lots of fun.
There’s your NASCAR 101 course. Hope you enjoyed the ride! Y’all must come down and try it on for size, Eddiz will be happy to put you up. Have a great day. Oh, and I’m told Cookie’s Corner is at the Pole Position for tomorrow, so come on back!
Tags: American, Baseball, Beer, Boeing 747, Bud, CAMP, Carolinas, chicken, collard greens, Coors, Football, Fort worth, Georgia Tech, Goodfellas, Jimmy Johnson, Kentucky, Kyle Petty, LeBron James, Miller, moonshine, Mopar, Nascar, Nazi, NBA, okra, Prohibition, ribs, Richard Petty, RV, Southern, sports comedy, stock car, Texas, Texas 300, Texas Motor Speedway, The Daughters of the Confederacy, The Godfather, Tom Brady, TV, USA, Volvo, Yankee
November 12th, 2009 at
I attended one of these races and it was much fun. This is a very good portrayal of what happens!
November 12th, 2009 at
Missy Jill, you got my attention. Funny. That’s not a real name, though, is it?
November 12th, 2009 at
I can totally relate. I’m from a long line of Red Necks and grew up going to races and loved them all. I have a bit of a celebrity in my family. My Aunt Peggy used to be the president of SCCA (Sports Car Club of America). She was a hot blonde in her day and told these men where to go.
She used to take me to the tracks with her and I used to hang in the pitt with the drivers and their crew. This was back before electronic timers for each lap. My job was to use a stop watch and time how long it took car #50 (or whatever car i was given for the day) to go around each lap. They would take this time and post it up on a sheet of paper stapled to a board. Then after the race it was back to the Motel where the adults would hang in the parking lot and drink, drink, drink. Ahhh … the memories!
November 12th, 2009 at
Miss Missy-Jill: We are thrilled to have you in the MTM Family! Great debut column, too. We love it, especially the photo giving ideas about what we can do with our back hair!
pammolloy: If we knew the ladies like cars so much, we would’ve been MeetTheMarios [Andrettis]… Dang! Great comments - keep ‘em coming!
November 12th, 2009 at
first the site gets overtaken by yankee fans but now rednecks? what is the world coming to?
November 12th, 2009 at
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huh? Is it February yet? I’ll keep my artisanal thank you, the brands you mentioned are swill. You might as well drink NASCAR oil changes.
November 12th, 2009 at
I have been to several NASCAR races including the superbowl of them all the Daytona 500!!! Great time for anybody. The first race i went to was with several people who had no idea of what nascar was. They all were fans after that weekend!!!! Many of these people were hot chicks by the way. How could you not have fun in the sunshine drinking beer bbq and hanging with friends. The race is an event!! There is always boring parts and exciting parts to all sporting events. If you have an open mind you would understand and enjoy NASCAR!!! GET TO A RACE AND SEE FOR YOURSELF.
November 12th, 2009 at
Never followed NASCAR more than to catch the last 5-10 laps of a big race but I am in for the multi day tailgate party.
I did happen to catch this live last April, flicking after the Rangers blew a playoff game. Check out the 200+ MPH crash and the guy finishing the race on foot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzc1AVRLrws&feature=related
November 12th, 2009 at
I just caught the end of the video. It gets better, they thank Jesus for saving the driver in the crash. LOL. Did Jesus not like the dead drivers?
November 12th, 2009 at
Missy-Jill Dixie.. welcome from us Yankees and a Yankee fan! Thank you for explaining NASCAR to me. However, I REALLY didn’t need to see that picture of the dude with the #3 shaved into his backhair. The guys get pictures of good looking, skantily clad chicks and us chicks get fat dudes and dudes with back hair. Missy-Jill.. take it upon yourself to fish out some decent dude pics for the likes of us female MTM fans. Seems that after the Matts came back from down under, they forgot about all the fine male specimens.
Confused tho… is it Coors and Bud.. or do cosmos and margaritas get mixed in at NASCAR there too? I also would like to know if when one leaves a NASCAR event after wearing shades the whole day, do you have a raccoon mask of exhaust soot on your face?? Seriously.. i need to know.
Oddly enough.. my son loves NASCAR. Good lord.
November 12th, 2009 at
..and Temple asks a very good question….
November 12th, 2009 at
Budweiser is Belgian (InBev) owned. Most of the micro breweries are american owned.
November 12th, 2009 at
Missy-Jill would like to assure y’all that it is my real name, except for the Dixie part and concurs with Pammalloys Aunt Peggy, who was obviously a steel magnolia, that men folk who can’t behave should be eradicated like fire ants (come to think of it, they can be just as pesky).
Missy-Jill would also like to admonish both Dude and Corporal Agorn not to be so rude about things which they do not understand. Just because you won the War of Northern Aggression is no reason to get uppity. The beer we drink is AMERICAN, not some funny sounding stuff from who knows where (probably some socialist European country where they all smell funny). We’re proud to be AMERICAN, aren’t you? (That’s enough of my using the third person)
And Cookie, you are correct. I was remiss in not including some pictures of Southern manhood. You poor thing, stuck up North with all of those chubby Yankee boys. But at least you’re son is following the right path.
And finally, I’m thinking that Jesus loves all, although at times he does seem to favor some like Jerry Jones down here a bit more. But then, God does work in mysterious ways.
November 12th, 2009 at
MJD: We are grateful for your patriotism and wisdom, especially when it comes to not using Third Person any more! Tee hee.
Cookie: Here’s one for you!
November 12th, 2009 at
P.S… We drink plenty of margaritas down here in Texas and this girl is partial to cosmos.
November 12th, 2009 at
Missy-Jill, I think I love you…are you one of Eddiz’s stable of redheads he’s always talking about? I’ve never been to NASCAR but I’ve been told by friends–from both sides of the Mason Dixon line–that it’s a great time…and they do actually race out here in Cali-fornia, where there are plenty of rednecks.
November 12th, 2009 at
Nice Missy…I’m a fan and so is Sam.
November 12th, 2009 at
Missy, nice, thanks for your effort. Can’t see a race without you as my trusty guide.
Go frogs, go frogs, go frogs. ESPN gamday braodcasting from Fort Worth this Saturday.
November 12th, 2009 at
Missy-Jill, if that’s really you in that byline photo may I say: Nice fender!
November 12th, 2009 at
That last image was stolen, as it is from our softball classic this summer in Central Park. It was printed here without my permission.
November 12th, 2009 at
If I was ever going to pay attention to NASCAR, I am now! Matts, you should send Missy Jill up here to rev our engines… Right now mine is stalled.
November 12th, 2009 at
Most things in buffalo stall out once the weather sets in, including the Bills. You’ll just have to camp out at Cole’s and wait it out. Do the Bulls of UB have a fighting chance to play for pride and reach 5 wins?
November 12th, 2009 at
Matts.. that picture sucked. Make with more of the rugby bad boys in short shorts. I’m thinkin’ that might get Mrs. Matt’s attention too (and Linda and perhaps Annie Savoy).
November 12th, 2009 at
‘I’m the best there is, plain and simple, when I wake up in the morning I piss excellence.’
November 12th, 2009 at
you sure the girl on the table isn’t a met fan?
November 12th, 2009 at
NOW yer talkin, Cookie!
November 12th, 2009 at
Cookie - Oh my yes. We need more male speciemens like the rugby boys, and fewer of the neanderthal persuasion. That back hair picture has scarred me for life.
November 12th, 2009 at
I’m on it girls…