by Dr. Diz

FORT WORTH, TEXAS - Hoisting a few at Pop’s Safari bar the other night with some ol’ buds including a visiting denizen of the Gotham City burbs (and native Canuck) who is down here on a high finance bombing mission, and we got to talkin’ politics and sports and such with the various characters and miscreants who habituate the joint. The overriding theme/cliche quickly took shape: Be Careful What You Ask For! Here are some:

One of the regulars said: “Gosh, I’m missin’ George Bush”. This surprised us, since this guy is a classic Hill Country Liberal, who generally leans a little to the left of Che Guevara on most issues (other than gun ownership and the death penalty, which all consider just plain old common sense in these here parts). But what he said was interesting: ”Well, at least with Bush I could piss and moan… Now I just have to keep my big ol’ yap shut”. (Some people think Obama’s a bit stiff…)

Folks up North who don’t know college football probably don’t recognize the name, but Coach Dennis Franchione also comes to mind. Coach Fran took TCU, turned the program around, and then left for the bright lights and big money of a major college program.

Fast forward ten years. His replacement, Gary Patterson, has taken TCU to 9 bowls in 10 years, four top 20 and two top 10 finishes, a BCS bowl and, oh yeah, is getting paid in the top 10%. Franchione? He had a couple of years at ‘Bama and a couple of years at big-time Texas A&M. But he’s been unemployed for three years since they ran him out of there on a rail.

So maybe it’s time to take stock of some of the things that various sporting fans are asking for.

Futbol fans, supported wholeheartedly by the New York Times, are always wishing that the sport would get adopted by the American mainstream. Apparently, if we adopt the game we’ll get to be more Euro or somthin’, go metric, have symbols for all our road signs, and sing kumbaya in a big, fat happy love fest of sportsmanship and brotherhood.

His first words were “piss off, mate…”

What will really happen if the U.S. gets into futbol big time? We’ll take it over in mind, body and spirit, using our cultural and money to pretty much move all the really good teams to the U.S. Don’t believe me? Just ask Canadian hockey fans from places like Winnipeg et Quebec how they like watching those warm weather American teams lace up the skates.

A lot of Met fans seem to want to get rid of Omar Minaya as their GM. And after last years debacle of a season, it might seem justified. But the Mets had more injuries last year than the Frogs at Verdun and Minaya has done a pretty good job of not tradin’ away the farm system to satisfy the immediate gratification of his oh-so-patient fan base. And if you want to take a look at what happens when you trade the farm, just take a three hour ride down the pike to Baltimore. Maybe Mets fans should stick with the devil they know.

Some female rugby players wish that people could be more sensitive, more New Age and more supportive of The Movement. I had to read the last part of R2’s comment last Thursday twice, since at first I figured she ran out of Ex-Lax.

The movement…The movement…
Gotta git with The Movement!

Apparently, not singing the praises of female athletics or admiring the fact that a lot of them are smokin’ like salmon is way bad, politically incorrect and will get you sent to the Principal’s Office for punishment… No, you may not hum Hot For Teacher before while your punishment is administered. Nor may you enjoy the punishment. Anyway, methinks that in addition to the overreaction to Angry Ward’s column, this is just plain ol’ wrong. Telling female athletes that watching them play basketball, rugby, or most any other sport is just as much fun as watching the males play, is just a big lie.

And as far as admiring the female form, there are some societies where that’s not considered - Shall we say, Kosher? But I’m not too sure you’d want to live there as a female. But hey, maybe a burka would empower ya.

I’m showin’ some ankle, and Rockin The Casbah…

So, like the good citizens of the District of Columbia who begged and pleaded for a baseball team and got The Nats…
Be Careful What You Ask For!

Angry Ward, tomorrow.

by West Coast Craig

EAST LANCE BROADWAY – I did something like this last year,
but I have no shame in repeating myself, with apologies to Mel Brooks this time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The whole northeast is having trouble,
What a sad, sad story.
The Midwest states are under water
With floods of tears for Corey
We’ve sprung an hour ahead…
You long for your comfy bed…
You need a break,
For goodness sake,
Or you just may wind up dead.
Good news its…

Springtime for hitters in Florida
Mets fans are happy and gay!
We haven’t started the pennant race
So look out
The Mets are in first place!

Springtime for hitters in Arizona
B-teamers will get their chance
Springtime for hitters in Scottsdale
Now prospects go into your dance…

My name’s Strasburgh and it ain’t rational
That I will be a Washington National.

I’m Montero and it will please us…
With Damon gone I’m the Yanks’ new Jesus

Springtime for hitters at Steinbrenner
High steps and stretching in the grass
Bombs flying off the bats again
I like to rhyme Bert Blyleven

Springtime for hitters at Port St. Lucie
Reyes is on the DL once more
Springtime for hitters in batting cages
Means that soon we’ll be going to war…
And fantasy drafting, and wagering, and studying stats
And watching and listening and reading and griping…
And griping, oh yes there’ll be griping
Right here on MeetTheMatts!

Three more weeks!

by Rex O’Rourke

NEW YORK, NY - There are some people, expressions, and pop culture events that I’m tired of and I not going to take it anymore.

West Coast Craig, tomorrow.
Until next week,
Rex

MeetTheMatts.com nephew, Sean Pericles McCarthy, turned 12 just after Christmas. He is an avid sports fan with severe Met-itis, which was ensured by his MTM bloodlines.

Sean checks in with MTM HQ via earwig.

MONTCLAIR, NJ - All seemed perfectly normal in this upscale suburban town just west of Giants Stadium. Kids galore racing to their various after-school activities, moms and dads going about their daily routines… But then, as sudden as a Congressman Massa revelation, all was turned topsy-turvy by a seemingly innocent school assignment: Create your own own country with a history and some famous people. What young Sean Pericles McCarthy submitted was both startling and eye-popping in its magnitude and stands to shake the very foundation of society as we know it with this earth-shattering implication:
BASEBALL IS A DRUG WITH YOUNG FANS!

Here is an excerpt of Sean’s revealing work, picking up with his second of three contrived famous people (photo shows a younger Sean displaying early stages of Met-itis):

The second famous person is Matt [from MTM]. Matt was one of the most talented baseball players and one of the most generous donors to ever walk the shores of Seansylvainia. Matt is [Seansylvanian] President Sean Perry McCarthy’s brother. As kids, they say they used to play baseball on the farm. They say they used turtles as bases. It helped that turtles were so slow because they didn’t have to keep realigning them. Just about at the age that Sean chose Science over Baseball, Matt chose Baseball over Science. He [Matt] was drafted to play pro baseball when he only eighteen. Soon he became all the rage in baseball, on and off the field. On the field he was a star right fielder and off the field he donated over half of his salary to charities that help poor families with too many kids put food on the table. In 1988 he was inducted into the Seansylvainian Baseball Hall of Fame.

There it is, Mattville; A simple homework assignment with one tragic revelation: That despite the efforts of Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Scott Boras and Kate Hudson, Baseball Is A Drug With Young Fans. God help us.

Mr. Met pushes Baseball Addiction on a young, naive Sean. Disgusting. Who’s to blame!?

Here are two more afflicted young people; if only we had not been so blind!

Rex O’Rourke, tomorrow.

Perhaps, like in the Jimmy Buffet song, we are to blame.

NOTE: Younger fans will be reading today. Please act accordingly. THANKS.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - I must say this site is better than ever. Lots of great characters and very clever writers. In order for The Matts to reach their goal of becoming the biggest thing in sports comedy, a few more players may need to be added. These recommended additions are not because the site lacks content but rather they will help raise The Matts profile and provide some much needed publicity.

Sometimes the best way to get publicity is through the gossip pages or entertainment shows. Unfortunately, Extra’s Mario Lopez hasn’t been interviewing Tall Matt recently about his Staples commercials or Short Matt about his latest Law and Order appearance. The last time I read anything relating to MeetTheMatts in the NY Post was last Sunday’s Page Six where this item ran:

Our spies in Tampa spotted Suzyn Waldman and Yankee Joe canoodling in a corner booth at the Olive Garden. Disgusted early bird patrons were overheard complaining about the couple’s “Lady and The Tramp” style of pasta eating.

Yankee Joe and his B!tch

The solution for this publicity problem lies in a new member of the MTM’s family named Matt Rockefeller. Rocky Matt, as he is known to friends, has a regular Ménage à trois with Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, hosts lavish Hampton’s events that make Sean “Puffy” Combs gatherings look like a Chucky Cheese party and enlists George Clooney as his wing man when he goes out on the town. Of course Rocky always looks dapper in his Mets blue suit.

The Matts also need some street cred. This can easily happen with the addition of gangsta rapper Haz Matt. This toxic character is always in the news for one outlandish reason or another. When he gets in a fight with his fiancee, Khloe Hardcashian, he doesn’t wait for her to burn down his house, he does it himself. Sporting a blue and orange bandanna, he can be seen singing the National Anthem at his hometown Newark Bears games. In a recent interview with Source Magazine, he recounts the numerous beat downs he has thrown Daddy Yankee.

Haz Matt asks “Whose Your Daddy?”

The fashion industry is always a place to make a name for one’s self and The Matts should be no different. Adding world famous fashion critic Matterial Girl to their roster would help get the coveted 18 - 25 year old demographic on the site. Always quoted about the latest trends she’d be a hit with the fashionistas and Average Janes alike. With more Twitter followers than Ashton Kutcher, M Girl is constantly being consulted by Lady Gaga for fashion advice and has been a celebrity judge on Project Runway, Top Chef and America’s Next Top Model. Her tweet from the post-Oscar Vanity Fair party was incredible, take a look:

OMG I’m LMAO b/c Short Matt + his BFF AW were busted crashing the VF party while hitting on Catwoman-esque Hillary Swank. WTF were they thinking?

I’m not too versed in the language of twitter but I’m pretty sure BFF stands for Bald Friends Forever.

Is this considered Swanky?

I know the veterans on the site might complain but I’m just trying to think outside the box here for the greater good of the site. Let me know what you think of my suggestions and if you have any of your own.

Matt Du Jour, tomorrow.

by Different Matt

A man is heard talking on the phone behind a closed office door. The name on the door reads O. MINAYA The door opens and we see Omar Minaya with a pained look on his face as he listens to the screaming voice coming through the phone. The screaming stops.

OMAR: Look, I just think Jason Bay is past his peak here in New York. He needs a change of scenery… I think this is the best thing for the organization… But… But I… Yes I know he hasn’t played a game for us yet, but Ken Griffey Jr has over 600 home runs. I think it would be a good fit… Yes… Yes I know he is forty years-old… Yes I know he has been hurt for the better part of the last decade… FINE I’ll turn down the Mariners’ offer. I’ll talk to you tomorrow… Goodnight, Mr. Valentine.

Minaya hangs up the phone and mumbles to himself.
OMAR: What does HE know? This ain’t Japan.

Suddenly A MAN appears in the room. Startled, Minaya jumped from his chair and bellows,
OMAR: (screaming) Who’s there?!

STEVE: Relax, its me, Steve
OMAR: Steve Phillips? What… How… Are you a ghost? Are you dead?

STEVE: Just my Career. No, I’m still alive, you idiot. I saw you at Duane Reade. I’m here to tell you to change your ways. I don’t want you to end up like me. It all starts with a questionable trade here and a bad signing there, and the next thing you know, you’re Being fired for banging mediocre looking interns.

OMAR: I thought you were a great GM. I’ve modeled my career after you.

STEVE: Why on earth would you do something like that? Look where it got me. I gotta run, but I wanted to tell you that You are going to be visited by Three Ozzies tonight and-“

OMAR: Ozzies? You mean ghosts?

STEVE: Did I say ghosts?

OMAR: No, you said Ozzies.

STEVE: (shakes his head) Sometimes you don’t make any sense. Listen to The Ozzies and change your ways. Don’t end up like me. Expect the first Ozzie around 1 o’clock.

With that, Steve Phillips disappears.

OMAR: (Confused, mumbles) Ozzies?

Omar goes back to work trying to find new ways to ruin the Mets and soon forgets all about Steve Phillips. As the Donald Duck Clock on the wall tolls 1AM, Minaya hears what sounds like a horse galloping down the hall. He gets up to investigate and sees a man cartwheeling down the hall. The man then does a back-flip and lands right in front of Minaya. Minaya recognizes him.

OMAR: Hall of Famer, Ozzie Smith?

OZZIE SMITH: Yep. I’m The Ozzie of Baseball Past.
OMAR: (bemused) The wha-?“

OZZIE SMITH: Its not important. Listen, I want to show you some events from your past and show you how things used to be for you. Ozzie grabs the remote for the telly and changes the channel. Images of a Young Omar Minaya on a scouting mission in the Dominican Republic flash across the screen.

OMAR: Wow, I remember that trip.

An image of a young (and dark-skinned) Sammy Sosa hitting the cover off of the ball appears.
OMAR: I convinced the Rangers to go get him after this trip.

OZZIE SMITH: See, you’ve done some good things before. You were a great scout and you did as well as anyone could as the GM of the Expos. What the hell happened to you? I guess that’s a question for The Ozzie of Baseball Present. My time here is up.

Minaya, wanting more, starts after the cartwheeling Smith.
OMAR: But… wait… Wizard of Oz… Come back…

Smith, however, is too fast and gone in a blink with one final back-flip. A befuddled Omar has no time to think as a vile spewing of expletives, so vile they’d make Eric Cartman cringe, has him turn on an Ike Eisenhower dime.

OMAR: Ozzie Guillen? You’re The Ozzie of Baseball Present?

OZZIE GUILLEN: You’re frogging right I am, motherf–ker!

Due to extensive use of “colorful” language this section has almost entirely been deleted.

OMAR: (almost in tears) Wow, I didn’t realize that it had gotten so bad. But what will become of David Wright? Tell me he will be ok.

OZZIE GUILLEN: Man that ain’t no bullsh-t that I would know. You gotta ask the next Mickeyf–king Ozzie. I’m out of here.

And with that Ozzie Guillen left and disappears down the hall behind a haze of swear words. A distraught Minaya paces in his office. He is anxious for the last Ozzie to show up. Suddenly he hears a voice.

VOICE: Hey can you help me out and stick this needle in my ass?”

OMAR: (extra confused) Jose Canseco???

OZZIE CANSECO: No, I’m his twin brother, Ozzie Canseco. I’m The Ozzie of Baseball Future.

Minaya, still thoroughly confused asks, “But how did you become the Ozzie of Baseball Future? Your baseball career lasted about thirty seconds and ended seventeen years ago.”

OZZIE CANSECO: (annoyed) Are you going to stick this needle in my ass or are you going to stand there and ask stupid questions all day?

OMAR: Um…

OZZIE CANSECO: (cutting Omar off) Look, I’m here to tell you that if you keep doing what you’re doing, things will only get worse for you and the Mets. If things continue on their current path you’ll get fired by the Mets, who will lose 128 games in 2013. You’ll be the first person eliminated on both Martha Stewart Celebrity Apprentice and Biggest Loser. You’ll become embroiled in a sex scandal with Jose Reyes and you’ll be stuck doing interviews for MeetTheMatts.

OMAR: What-the-What?

OZZIE CANSECO:Meet the – oh don’t worry about it. Just change your ways. (Canseco tries sticking the needle in his ass himself).

OMAR: But what will become of David Wright in 2013?

Canseco, finally finding the “sweet spot”, injects the supplements.

OZZIE CANSECO: Wright will have moved on to a better place.
“He’s dead by 2013?”

OZZIE CANSECO: No, he’ll be in St. Louis, you idiot.

With that, Canseco leaves, needle sticking from his butt. Omar is left to ponder the events of the evening. After a few minutes of quiet contemplation, Minaya slams his hand on his desk and nods knowingly.

OMAR: I think I will make that trade for Griffey after all.

Grote’s Gripes, tomorrow.

NEW YORK, NY - So it turns out that March is Women’s History Month, who knew? While many (including my esteemed colleague Junior Blaber) have pointed out that Black History is celebrated during the year’s shortest month, it also seems no coincidence that Women’s History is recognized during the most unpredictable month on the calendar. Nevertheless, there have been many women in sports who deserve an awful lot of praise and recognition this and every month. People like Babe Didrikson Zaharias, Wilma Rudolph, and Billie Jean King are all worth discussing… but not today. Instead, let’s take a look at some women in sports who have made their marks in less conventional ways.

Margo Adams: Wade Boggs had a four-year affair with this mortgage broker before it was exposed and she sued him for emotional distress and breach of oral contract (nuff said). She later posed for a truly appalling layout in Penthouse Magazine. Still, doesn’t some credit for Wade’s stellar hitting during their four-year fling have to go to Ms. Adams? If you’re gonna credit your fried chicken diet you have to at least acknowledge your lackluster side-dish.

Morganna “The Kissing Bandit” Roberts: If you’re too young to remember Morganna, you truly missed one of the great superstars of the game in her prime. Her double-barreled enthusiasm and bouncy personality will never be matched.

Morganna, seen here helping George Brett forget about his hemorrhoids.

Chris Evert: Yeah she was a a great tennis player, blah, blah, blah. Let’s face it, the audience for her matches wouldn’t have been nearly the same had Chrissie not been so gosh darn cute. She was the girl next door in tennis whites. When she hooked up with Jimmy Connors, it was just another reason to hate the guy. In more recent years she crossed over to the world of golf by helping facilitate the end of Greg Norman’s 25-year marriage and later left The Shark holding his 3-wood, nowhere near a hole. Game. Set. Match. Ms. Evert.

Robin Givens: The woman was married to Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson!!! This was back when grown men were crapping themselves prior to entering the ring with him. And here Robin is sharing a bed with him. Call her a gold-digger, call her whatever you want, you still have to say, as far as guts go, she’s Buster Douglas, Grace Jones, and Evel Knievel rolled into one.

Oh say can you see?

Melissa Lima: Along the same lines of “sports wife as daredevil,” we give you Jose Lima’s ex. It’s one thing to marry a guy rumored to have more STDs than a Hunts Point hooker, but even more death-defying is standing in front of a crowd of narcoleptic Dodgers fans while that guy sings the National Anthem. Thankfully, Melissa was equipped with a couple of diversions.

Natalie Gulbis: Sure we had to get a golfer in here. Natalie hasn’t done all that much on the links but she is the one woman who was romantically linked to Ben Roethlisberger and didn’t accuse him of sexual assault. That’s a big win right there.

Jennie Finch: She made people care about women’s softball.

Lady Met: Do you really think Mr. Met would have made it through these last few seasons without a good woman standing behind him? Please. Lady (Don’t call me Mrs.) Met was once a rising star herself, but she gave it all up to support her husband and his bourgeoning career.

and last but not least…

Elin Nordegren: Not only is she the only woman to ever beat Tiger Woods, she’s the only one to actually beat him using his own clubs. Now that’s impressive.

Anyway, enjoy your month ladies, you deserve it. To paraphrase comedian Larry Miller, if you ever knew just how much us men appreciated you, you’d never stop slapping our faces.

Different Matt, tomorrow…

by Tall Matt

NEW YORK, NY - I am too young to remember Robert F. Kennedy as a US Senator from New York State. Yes, he was a carpetbagger but from what I can read and learn about his time here as US Attorney General and as an inspiring candidate for the 1968 Democratic Presidential nomination, Kennedy seemed like the genuine article. Last year the Triborough Bridge was renamed for Kennedy, which caused an uproar; New Yorkers are constantly beset with change and like a few scant things to remain sacred and as is, and this change came with a $1-million-plus price tag. Now, I’m a bit cranky by nature, so I thought it was a lousy idea from the outset. The bridge is the Triborough and I will always call it such. But but does anyone call John F. Kennedy International Airport, Idlewild? Ok, my mother does but she’s old and kooky and still calls the fridge an icebox and a stereo a Victrola - probably just to get on my nerves… Anyway, the next generation WILL call the bridge the RFK and you should be okay with it. I am. I still call CitiField Shea Stadium mostly, and not out of any malice toward CitiCorp - though I have plenty. It’s just a habit, even though we’re talking a brand NEW building, which unlike said bridge, stands today as it did in 1936.

In 1899 The New York Zoological Society was founded, but today we know it as The Bronx Zoo. 80 years later the borough AND it’s baseball team vied to steal that name but the zoo held fast. Tudor City was once home to slums, tenements, and slaughterhouses and was known as Goat’s Hill, then Corcoran’s Roost. In a classic naming misapplication, the architecture in Tudor City wound up actually neo-Gothic. But it still sounds a hell of a lot better than Abattoir Heights. In another generation Hell’s Kitchen will be nothing but a name in a history book as the real estate lords will ultimately win the name battle with the gentrified - Clinton. Jeez in a hundred years, morons all over will assume the neighborhood was named for Bill or Hillary.

MTM donated Mel Otter to The Bronx Zoo

In a brilliant naming rights move in 1998, Leona Helmsley set as a condition for any future sales the right to keep the structure at Park Avenue & 46th the Helmsley Building in perpetuity. Thus the former Grand Central Building and General Tire Building will never be know as anything but the Helmsley Building. Take that Goldman Sacks (the current owners of the structure)!

We do get our panties in a bunch over the smallest things sometimes, when we should be concerned with the larger picture. If there are name-games to worry about they ought to be that Nabisco (too big already) was swallowed alive by ConAgra… Or watching your small neighborhood bank snorted up and spat back out as Citi. If Yankee Stadium were to be renamed for George Steinbrenner or Massengill, people would be outraged of course - but not as outraged if they didn’t make the playoffs. In other words, THE BIG PICTURE comes into play. By 2050, fans may be affectionately calling The Stadium The George or The Douche.

Where does “Sports Get Funny” apply here? Well, last week it was reported that the planned community in Port St. Lucie known as Tradition has defaulted on their annual payment to the New York Mets for their Spring Training complex naming rights. Not to worry, Tradition is a stupid name anyway. The average nitwit thinks it has some successful baseball connotation rather than the shameless promotion of a Stepfordesque community that paid over $100,000 every year. Good riddance Tradition Field; the word in and of itself sets the bar way too high for our beloved underachievers. Might we suggest a new name not out of deep pockets or commitment to higher ethics but straight out of pure smarm???

A very Angry Ward, tomorrow. And Thursday. And Friday…

by West Coast Craig

HOLLYWOOD – It’s a rough life being your humble roving West Coast Reporter for MTM, as I am forced to shuffle around from Oscar Party to Oscar Party this night and still manage to file a post by deadline. As I type this I’m being jostled by industry scenesters and actors…and that’s just the people carrying the hors d’oeurvres. If I can keep Jeff Bridges from spilling his Caucasian on my laptop, I might be able to hammer out something for you. However, as this will be an Oscar-themed piece, I must warn you that it’ll contain lots of clips, distractions, interpretive dance numbers, songs, awkward pauses, and the whole thing will run over and feel very rushed at the end. We’ll start off light:

Oddest Animal Lead In A Sports Movie: The Air Bud dog is like the Bo Jackson of movie animals, somehow managing to excel at soccer, football, basketball, baseball, and even volleyball. There isn’t a ball out there he hasn’t licked. Of course, Air Bud’s many different skills have spread his votes around, and the favorite appears to be Gus, the field goal kicking mule who manages to win the big game with gangsters trying to get him… But in a big upset, the winner is: Rhubarb. Rhubarb is the story of a Brooklyn baseball team whose miserly owner wills everything he owns to his feral cat. The new feline owner then goes on a rampage, firing managers and cutting ties with popular but aging players to restock his farm team and build a winner with cutting edge statistics. Not really, the cat proves to be good luck as all the players have to pet him as they take the field, and thus evil gangsters are trying to get him.

Foreign Films That Prove Sports Cliches Know No Borders: Here’s one I’ve never seen, but now that it’s been nominated I’ll have to get a screener. It’s perhaps the only Aussie Rules Football movie, called The Club, and it seems to have it all: tight shorts, burly mustaches, evil owners, workout montages with medicine balls and universal machines, and some corny seventies soft rock. I just couldn’t throw a three minute clip of it on here, but I think just watching the first minute of this must give a good idea of its worth. It looks like a classic to me, can any Aussie readers out there verify? The Envelope please… I think I just got a paper cut opening it, ah ha, this is one I mentioned last year but it bears repeating: Shaolin Soccer, if you want every sports movie cliché you can think of, joined with every kung fu movie cliché, this is definitely the movie for you.

Best High School Basketball Movie With A 70s TV Personality As Coach: It’s been mentioned here before, but Gabe Kaplan lent a certain gravitas with his fro to Fast Break. Opening the envelope, however, reveals a surprise! It’s coach, starring Cathy Lee Crosby in tiny shorts, a tight shirt, and a number of completely inappropriate situations with one of her high school boy players (including a pre-Kyle Reese Michael Biehn). There’s even a shower scene that must’ve jump-started the puberty of 12-year-olds around the country, as it did mine. It’s too fantastic even for a Penthouse letter…she’s a former Wonder Woman, she’s the basketball coach, she gives some extra-curricular tutoring to her players… That’s Incredible!

That’s Incredible!

Lifetime Achievement: Harold Lloyd’s The Freshman is generally regarded as the silent era’s greatest sports movie, but I’m a Buster Keaton guy so I enjoy College better (even if it’s pretty clearly a rip off). Keaton’s stunts alone make him one of the best athletes ever to step in front of a camera, but he was also a huge baseball fan who would pick up a bat and ball and make his crew play a game between shots. He had a baseball gag in Three Ages, where he uses a club to hit back a pitched rock, hitting the chasing caveman right in the head (a shot that took dozens of takes to get perfect). In Battling Butler, he was the first filmmaker to put the camera actually inside the ring, paving the way for Raging Bull. In The Cameraman, his last great silent, he got some excellent footage of old, old Yankee Stadium.

Finally, the one you’ve all been waiting for, Outstanding Performance As Self in a movie. Unfortunately for Michael Jordan, his work in Space Jam just missed the cut…the top two performers were just that good. First is Evel Knievel in…Viva Knievel! He rides his bike, he cures afflicted children in the hospital as he passes out his own action figures, and he preaches the ills of using drugs, then he does a couple of laps, and occasionally he jumps something! You can’t get much stronger than that, unless you’re… Muhammad Ali in, (what else?), The Greatest. Here The Champ does a good Muhammad Ali impersonation, with Ernest Borgnine in the roll he was born to play as Angelo Dundee, and James Earl Jones in a role he wasn’t quite as born to play as Malcolm X. Watch in this scene as he goes toe to toe with no less an imposing figure as Robert Duvall, then gets behind the wheel of a bus and explain he won’t turn his back on his people, unless they’re Joe Frazier. He is truly The Greatest, and a fitting figure to end on here.

Angry Ward, Mr. Blackwell’s protege, tomorrow.

by Rex O’Rourke

TOBACCO ROAD, NC - So last night I’m watching Duke throttle North Carolina and I ask myself:

“Self, what is the biggest rivalry in sports?”

Is it Duke/UNC? They certainly rank up there. The Cameron Crazies alone are worth the price of admission. Multiple national championships on both sides and a dust up between Art Hamen and Larry Brown (yes that Larry Brown) in the early sixties has fostered decades of animosity.

Is it Cowboys/Redskins? Those couch potatoes of a certain age remember how big that one was, but is it as big today?
Raiders/Chiefs?
Giants/Cowboys?
Packers/Vikings?
Colts/Patriots?
There are so many they may be watering it down a bit.

Here’s one that’s a little outside the box. Is it Ali/Frazier? I know they haven’t fought in 35 years, but this rivalry had more drama than Liz Taylor had husbands.

Is it Yankees/Red Sox? This one certainly is big but is it national or regional? Does a Mariners fan from Idaho give a hoot? Is it Mets/Padres? Just kidding.

Brazil/Argentina futbol?
New Zealand/Australia rugby?
India/Pakistan cricket? Just throwing them out there!

Is it Lakers/Celtics? I mean the Bird/Magic back story has been almost annoyingly documented at this point. We get it. They kinda like each other.

HOW’S ABOUT A GROUP SKINNY DIP?

I know as much about NASCAR as I know about Sri Lankan cuisine, but there has to be a couple of rednecks and their pit crews spittin’ chaw on each other’s socket sets? Didn’t David Pearson and Cale Yarborough swap wives or somethin’. No, wait, that was Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich. Never mind.

I guess after the Olympic hockey tournament, Canada and pretty much anybody is a good rivalry, eh?

Texas/Oklahoma? Ohio State/Michigan? USC/Notre Dame? Oregon/Oregon State? Heck there’s probably a high school game in Texas that draws fifty thousand!

Any others? Whattaya got for me?

West Coast Craig, tomorrow.

Until next week,
Rex